


marking the souls

by bernejemi (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Coming Out, Explicit Language, Fluff, High School, Light Angst, M/M, Music, Self-Acceptance, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-01 16:57:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15778245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/bernejemi
Summary: Renjun felt truly ashamed of his unusual soulmark.Jaemin thought that he was hopeless for not having one.





	1. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had this idea at 12am and posted to see if someone would like to read ´-`

 

Renjun was staring at his soulmark as if he could erase it with the power of his mind because he  _ seriously _ couldn’t take having that abnormality permanently engraved on the skin of his hand. It annoyed him  _ so _ much that he even considered cutting his hand off — more than once, for the record —, but since he couldn't, he just constantly hid it with gloves and bandages, even when if it was summer. The idea of being stared by strangers because of the weird soulmark that his lovely soulmate provided him when breaking their bond when they were just kids — seeing that he had it since he was seven years old — was something unbearable that he refused to accept. Being judged for wearing gloves when the whole city was on fire is way more comfortable than being called a hopeless freak for not having a  _ true love _ anymore. 

He still remembers his reaction to it all, how he desperately ran to his mom’s arms to cry his eyes out while screaming that he would die alone because his soulmate broke their bond. And his mom, as shocked as the little boy, didn’t know what to say, because there was nothing she could do to change the unfortunate situation that her youngest child was facing. No one could, not anymore, because the person who used to be his ‘special one’ already messed his whole life by cutting the goddamn thread. And of course Renjun would be the only one suffering the consequences — because the one who ends the connection  _ never _ deals with weird-ass marks, the Chinese discovered this a few years later, when his mind was mature enough to understand what had happened. But he didn’t understand the reason why someone would give up of love at such a young age, not even after reading thousands of articles and books about what soul connection and soulmarks are, it was a question that would never be answered.

See, everyone has soulmarks, but they remain hidden until you meet your soulmate. Renjun was sure that his special someone wasn’t that shiny rock he found on the beach when the mark revealed itself, so yes, his  _ real  _ soulmate cut their bound, and there was no way of connecting their souls again, not even in a future life, which means they both will be alone until their last reincarnation. Besides, the soulmarks were  _ always _ on the chest, because that’s where the soul is more visible — the heart. 

And, thanks to the unknown person, he now has an aberration on his hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if possible, leave ur opinion!! [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/renmin)  
> 


	2. unnecessary weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thank two [lovely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brbabe) and [sweet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultraviolentae) friends who helped me on this

Donghyuck was rambling about some of his hobbies to Renjun who clearly didn't seem to be interested, but the younger couldn’t care less about the lack of enthusiasm his friend demonstrated. So there he was, pretending to care about Donghyuck’s speech about tarot. The older nodded once in a while just to show that he was listening, when in fact he was not absorbing the information. It wasn't something unusual between them, Donghyuck would often talk more than an average person should, and Renjun was a good listener since he wasn’t talkative at all. He knew when he had to pay attention and when he could space out to navigate on his thoughts without hurting his friend. 

Sometimes he’d wonder if Donghyuck made some kind of witchcraft as a revenge for all the times Renjun ignored him on purpose whenever he speaks of something uninteresting to the Chinese. Maybe he was the reason behind his unwanted soulmark. He knew that that was impossible, but he just wanted someone to blame — beside his unknown soulmate, and he wasn’t even sure if he would ever get to know who the person was anyways. Even after years, he was still pissed off about that mark, and the itching sensation that the bandages made him feel didn't help  _ at all _ , because the only reason he was using them was due to the burden he was doomed to carry for the rest of his life. He could hear the little flaw saying  _ Hey, just a quick reminder, you will die alone!  _ every time he looked at it, so he covered it even when he was at some place that he could consider comfortable, but not even the thickest bandages could make him forget about his burden. Ah, having a true love! Surely an amazing and rewarding experience that almost every single human was forced to face.

Renjun also constantly wondered if he should go back to insanely search for said person, just like he did when he was 13 years old, that had actually been the reason he had found his current best friend who was now grumbling, not about an extremely boring topic, but about a not-so-boring topic: his grades — still wasn't enough to make the older pay attention though. How would he find the girl that supposedly was his former soulmate? Who knows. Maybe the stupid God who cursed the humanity to have this useless soul connection would help him to find his lost other half. Or even maybe this same stupid God would be nice to him for once and let him destroy his soulmate’s self-esteem just like she had destroyed his as a pay back.

“Injunnie!” Donghyuck whined, Renjun didn’t realize he was mumbling to himself about his thoughts till then. “Why aren’t you pretending to care?”

He stares at the cloudy sky through the window, not even bothering to answer. After all, his reveries were a common thing to happen and the other knew that. Especially when he’s tired or doing something he dislikes, and hearing about tarot was one of those things. He was tired of being constantly worried about his love life; tired of having a restless mind. The frequent thoughts about his lost soulmate were another weight that refused to leave him, these sudden thoughts haunted him since his childhood, just like the brownish mark on his hand. He was eternally cursed, and that was a doubtless affirmation.  

At some point, Renjun closed his eyes and just let himself appreciate the whistle of the wind echoing outside the cozy apartment, momentarily bringing him some sense of peace that soon mixed with a soft voice singing his favorite song, something that Donghyuck used to do to clear his friend’s mind from whatever was bothering him — even though it was for the same reason most of the times. He fondly smiled at his friend. 

If he knew that looking for his lost piece would make him befriend such a good person, he would’ve done it earlier. 

 

-

 

Donghyuck was the most perfect person to be his friend, because even though they barely had any common interests, there was still one left connecting them: their passion for music. Both their lives revolved around that, it was one — if not the most — important thing to them. They were the ones who created the school’s music club, and, at that moment, the club’s members were preparing to practice. Donghyuck was heating up his voice with another singer, and Renjun was strumming the guitar at a random pace, creating a pleasing yet chaotic melody, as it mixed the unique symphony of other two instruments that were following their own pace. 

But, unlike the other meetings, this one wasn't as peaceful as it used to be. They weren't doing it just for fun, seeing that the members of the club were being put under pressure since the musicians were the main attraction of the beneficent event their school was going to hold, what didn’t make Renjun satisfied nor happy. He wasn’t exactly comfortable at the club — even though he was doing the thing he loved the most — because he was forced to expose his soulmark whenever he played the guitar. Under normal circumstances, his fascination for music was capable of erasing whatever thought was bothering him as soon as his fingertips touched the strings of his black guitar, but not this time. Not when the only thing he could feel was anguish due the fact that he was going to show his  _ abnormality _ to dozens of people, being judged by them, like it always happened. He couldn’t even cover it with makeup because of his allergy to the beauty cosmetic.

The club’s president stood up and clapped his hands to catch everyone’s attention, interrupting whatever the others were doing. “Alright, as we all know, we need to pick the songs we’re going to perform. Any suggestions?”

His classmate, Jeno, rose his hand, resting his electric guitar against a chair just to pick it up again. The poor boy was as nervous as everyone else. “What about a song everyone knows? Like that Elvis’ song, the one about love.” 

“You know, there’s more than just one Elvis’ love song.” Donghyuck chuckled, resting his arm on Renjun’s shoulders who wasn’t paying attention to the discussion at all. The sudden touch made him leave his own little world — filled with the same thoughts that tormented his mind every time he spaced out — and join the conversation, strumming the strings in a familiar way, thing that made Jeno’s face light up with the purest smile. The melody caught everyone’s attention, and that moment somewhat made Renjun’s stress vanish for a few seconds, letting the peace take over his heart, going with the flow. 

But of course such good feeling wasn’t permanent, especially under that circumstances. As soon as the melody stopped echoing in the room, he got tense again. 

“ _ Can’t Help Falling in Love _ …” He rested his guitar on his legs, sighing “I would like to play this one.” He nervously stated his wish, looking directly at Mark, who nodded. 

It was  _ really _ ironic the fact that he, by free will, would sing a love song when he’s the only one in the room whose heart didn't possess an owner. 

_ Bitter. _

“How many songs do we need anyways?” Donghyuck asked, pulling Renjun closer to him. That was another thing the Chinese disliked: skinship — well, at least in the past he did. His bestie was so clingy that he got used to his touchiness, even started liking it a little. Guess his unwanted heart despised any kind of affectionate interactions, even though there wasn’t any underlined romantic intentions in them.

“The coordinator said at least five, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to do more since we don’t have much time to practice…” He trailed off, Renjun found it funny how much Mark gesticulated when he was explaining something while anxious — things were more stressful for him, seeing that he was the president of the club. If anything goes wrong, he’ll be the one who will have to take the blame, even if he wasn’t directly involved in the situation per se. “Therefore we need four more songs, and I really liked Jeno’s idea. We’ll attract more people if we pick popular songs.”

An awkward silence filled the room, every single boy was busy thinking about popular songs that could be performed, and the ones who had a poor memory — like Jisung — were scrolling through their phones. The task of finding a suitable song may sound easy, but it wasn't. There are a lot of popular songs out there, but only a few can be performed using only guitars — both electric and acoustic — and their voices  _ and _ still be appealing to the public at the same time. A huge list of nice songs was filling Renjun’s brain, but  _ none  _ of them were fitting because of tiny details about them; tiny and annoying details that would become a big thing if they ever dared to sing those songs.

Maybe it wasn’t such good idea to create the club.

 

-

 

The meeting ended earlier due excessive discussions over the songs that were being suggested, creating unnecessary stress for everyone in the group — something that wouldn’t be desirable, seeing they were  _ all _ extremely nervous already. But, even after going through all the hassle of seeing his friends arguing, Renjun was still there, angrily singing a song that for sure wasn’t written to be sang in that way, hoping that the melody could manage to bring him comfort and peace just like it did before. It didn’t. In fact, it was making him even more angry, because he couldn’t sing it. He just couldn’t.

Maybe his soulmark was the reason behind it, because it surely was the reason of the many nights he had spent crying in his mom’s embrace, with his young and innocent heart being filled with the fear of never finding love  _ because of the mark _ ; his hopeless mind destroying every single romantic thought, saying it was useless to feed a feeling that wouldn’t ever end in something good, and  _ the mark _ was the concrete proof of it.  _ The mark.  _ His life was a mess because of  _ the mark.  _ The goddamn mark asking him  _ How could you sing a song about love if you’ll never experience said feeling, Renjun? _

And, for the first time in a long time, he agreed with it, feeling his heart aching when he accepted the truth. He let himself be controlled by his insecurities just like he used to when he was a kid, and the result was the same: warm tears rolling down his face, but he wasn't a kid anymore, he was a teenager. A teenager who was shamesly crying in the middle of an empty room, hearing sweet songs about falling in love, feeling his tears wetting his hands as he tried to muffle his sobs, his pain. The pain of someone who never had experienced love, but still knew the awful feeling of a heartbreak; the pain of a hopeless human being that craved for something truly impossible, at least for him:  _ love _ .

His shaky voice was singing the same song as before, not angry anymore, but now in a sad way, in a desperate attempt to distract himself from something he knew would never leave his mind, his body, his soul. An useless attempt that only led to more unwanted tears. 

_ What a shame, Huang. Aren't you embarrassed for being such a crybaby? _

Yes, he was. He surely was. He was embarrassed for not being loved, not even by someone who was supposed to provide him such pure feeling that everyone should rightfully experience. Renjun always tried to pretend that he was unbothered by his unwanted heart, and he managed to do so most of the times, but there was always the times where he reached the point of breaking down in tears, which was getting easier to reach, and the pain would never stop growing; would never stop eating him alive. And, when the music stopped, he could only hear his whimpers filling the room. Said whimpers that were soon interrupted by the unexpected creaking sound of a door slowly opening. Renjun, embarrassed for being pried in such pitiful state, quickly walked towards the half-opened door, managing to get a glimpse of a pink-haired stranger running away from the room where the Chinese was.

His soulmark was bothering him more than it used to.


	3. bitter chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thank a [friend](https://twitter.com/renjunmyeon) for suggesting the chapter's title, and the same two friend mentioned on the previous chapter for also helping me with this one

_10 Things I Hate About You_ was the movie being shown on the TV at that moment, but the duo was too busy staring at the constellations in the sky to actually pay attention to it — not that it mattered, since they’ve watched that movie countless times. The muffled sound of Patrick Verona’s voice was blending with an unknown, to Renjun, Michael Jackson song — Donghyuck insisted on bringing his CD to play on Renjun’s radio, as he always did, and the Chinese only knew his best friend’s favorite song of said artist.

Renjun disliked both the movie and Michael Jackson, but he would never complain about it, even though they were at his house, using his radio and his TV because in the end it was what distracted and made his friend happy. He could sense the happiness radiating off Donghyuck as he contemplated the night sky while listening to his favorite artist’s voice mixing with the noise of a TV displaying a romantic movie targeted to female teenagers in the background. Renjun would never understand Donghyuck’s passion for such thing as the stars, that simply were white dots showering the world with their undying lights when nothing else — except for the moon — could bring hope to the darkest night sky _(maybe because Renjun didn't have a light source to bring him hope)_. It was a question mark about their friendship that he won’t ever dare to turn into a period, because, just like many things about his friend, it was a mystery that fed his platonic love for him; his admiration for Donghyuck’s singularity.

Said type of love was the only thing he could experience, and he tried to enjoy every single second of it. Nonetheless, it wasn’t enough for Renjun. He wanted to experience the fluttering sensation of the butterflies flying in his stomach when seeing the person he loves, his _soulmate_ ; to fantasize about holding her tiny hand; to smile while staring at nothing just because the shiny smile of the girl who truthfully belonged to him popped up on his mind. He wondered how all that felt, if it was similar to the sensation his soulmark made him feel earlier that day; a familiar yet weird feeling, as if you just got home after a long day of work and found out that your walls had been painted red when they used to be blue. Even though it was a weird sight, still was pretty to be seen.

Donghyuck once told him it was _really_ painful to notice that your soulmark hadn’t showed up after you met someone you eventually got feelings for, because it meant that the person wasn't the predestined one. _You know that scene where Cameron sees Joey hugging Bianca at that party? I felt the same thing as him when I noticed that Hyomin's mark matched with Junho's_ — direct quote from one of his friends analogies, followed by an explanation about how Bianca is Cameron’s soulmate that Renjun didn’t bothered enough to pay attention. He disliked the movie, but he knew which scene Donghyuck was talking about, still, it wasn't enough to enlighten his mind about what an one-sided love felt like. Renjun was constantly feeling the same pain of a heartbreak, but not even that could help him understand what _someone with a special one_ felt when rejected. Nothing could help him. _Nothing._

He let himself enjoy the song, for once.

 

-

 

Renjun would usually spend his Saturday afternoon reading some random book at the city’s park with his brother, but instead, he was at school. On a Saturday. Against his will. Their club needed to pick the songs as soon as possible, so they planned an emergency gathering at the club’s practice room. Surprisingly, the meeting wasn't as stressful as the one from friday, they just calmly discussed the songs and decided that _Starman_ and _Don’t You Remember_ would be presented alongside _Can’t Help Falling In Love_ — Donghyuck wanted to show off his vocals, and Chenle would throw a tantrum if they didn't agree to let him sing David Bowie.

He didn’t even know _why_ he was there, since the song he would play was already decided. Mark’s justificative was that he would be needed, and, after the decisions, he really became necessary. Renjun got reluctant about learning how to play an Adele song, but, in the end, he _really_ liked it, and that was unexpected when coming from something Donghyuck suggested — their tastes in music usually didn't match, but it seems that _Adele_ was now an exception.

The room was a mess of instrumental melodies, singing voices, laughs and discussions, but they didn't let that bother them, knowing that they only had until the end of the semester to master _five_ songs for their performance. Jisung was the only one who wasn’t doing much, since he only had to sing the chorus of _Starman_ with Chenle, but the other 5 boys were working they asses off to learn how to play their assigned songs. Mark, noticing this, made the boy be Donghyuck’s pair, throwing Renjun’s work to memorize the song out of the window. Jisung’s request to borrow the Chinese’s guitar annoyed him even more, but of course, being a good comrade, he swallowed up that anger and handed the black stringed instrument to his _friend_ , storming off right after.

He wasn't necessary _at all_.

 _Everything_ was deep to him, even simply borrowing something. He didn't had someone to call his, and, a few weeks after the mark showed itself, he got overly possessive over his belongs. But of course they didn't know this; only Donghyuck did. They knew that Renjun was an oddity to the world though, since they _all_ had already seen his soulmark, but neither of them knew how Renjun felt about that. After all, they were only acquaintances.  

There wasn’t any classes going on, considering that it was a Saturday afternoon, but the school wasn’t exactly empty. There were a few clubs that the coordinator selected to do something for the event, and most of them were there — even the “Free Hug Club” that didn't have to do anything but _hug people_. Renjun was initially using fingerless gloves, but took them off to play his guitar. And, because he left the practice room out of anger, he didn’t have time to think about putting them on, or even grabbing them. He usually wouldn't mind being around people, but his soulmark was uncovered. He was feeling exposed, as if he everyone was staring and judging him and his undesirable heart. The anxiety was burning him alive, the black smoke filling the corridor, making everyone search for the source: Huang Renjun, the burden; the boy who only knew how to disturb people’s calm lives; the boy who suffocated everyone with his fear.

He sped the pace of his steps to a hasten close to running, but that still could be considered walking. A nervous walk, same walk of someone who’s hiding something, carrying the fear of having their tremendous sin discovered by curious eyes. And Renjun’s sin was nothing but his loneliness, his desire for a warm embrace, full of love — not platonic, maternal, or any other kind; the _romantic_ love that flowed between two marked souls. His sin was being envious of everyone’s capability of loving, when all he could do was suffering for something that wasn't even his fault.

The boy in pain sat on the cold stairs of the school’s entrance, staring at the single cloud navigating on the blue sea that was the sky, with a melancholic expression painting his face. A loner cloud, just like him. “At least we have each other.”, he said while looking at the sky, pretending that the tiny thing floating on it could listen _and_ answer him.

At some point, he got lost on his own thoughts, going back to the real world only when his hand started to tingle, making him look to the side to check if the source of the sensation was a bug. But, instead, his eyes met the back of a tall, pink-haired boy entering the school. A boy that somehow seemed familiar to him, and Renjun had the urge of getting up to follow him.

But he didn't.

After all, he couldn't abandon the solitary cloud.

 

-

 

Renjun only decided to go back to the club’s room after his companion, the cloud, abandoned him by vanishing from the sky. He didn’t hurry on it though, he knew that his presence wasn't really necessary at the moment. Instead, he just slowly walked through the corridor, trying to peek through the other club’s door to pry on what they were planning to do. He didn’t like to spy on other people’s lives, especially after being seen having a breakdown the day before, and said unfortunate situation would, for sure, haunt him forever; his brain wouldn't fail to remember him each stupid single thing he had done in his life — the _flagrant_ included — as soon as he closed his eyes to sleep. Renjun didn’t recognize the person who pried on him, and this was making him even more nervous about the curious being. But now, thinking about the embarrassment he went through, the pinkish locks brought his heart a cozy feeling, similar to the emotion that filled your chest when you listened to your favorite song. A happy and good feeling, yet brief, that soon was substituted with a bittersweet sensation brought by Renjun’s blue heart that refrained him from experiencing good things.

He didn’t manage to pry what the other clubs were doing as he had planned, because most of the doors were closed — thing that Renjun should’ve done to prevent himself from being caught crying his eyes out while hugging a black guitar.

Would his brain stop reminding him of the shameful event? No, probably not.

Even though his idea to delay the inevitable failed, he didn't want to immediately go back to the room, presuming that he would be questioned about the reason why he stormed off for such a _simple_ thing as borrowing something. Donghyuck would rescue him, thing that he was used to do to save his friend from hurtful questions, but still, he didn't want to. Being alone annoyed him most of the times, but, at that moment, it was a need for him, even if it was just for a few minutes.

His lonely thoughts got moved aside when he noticed _the_ pink haired boy inside the art room, same boy that he saw entering the school half hour ago — Renjun was almost sure he never saw him before, because someone with such peculiar hair color wouldn’t make a low profile. But, in the span of one hour, Renjun had noticed him twice, and that was bugging him.

The unexpected thing was what he felt when the pink boy left the room, making eye contact for a short amount of time that, to Renjun’s perception, seemed endlessness; as if the time stopped just so they could hold their sudden stare for all the springs that had to come, allowing Renjun to see the pink tulip blooming for the eternity. His mind went completely blank, hypnotized by the smile the stranger cracked when he looked away, revealing perfectly aligned white pearls that could outshine the sun, taking his breath away, suffocating him with the warm, inviting, sunrays. And, suddenly, the recently painted red walls didn't seem weird anymore, but instead, fascinating, filling him with a sense of peace by the vibrant color.

After a long journey, he arrived home.


	4. plus (minus)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tried to do a little study on english langauge to make my writing style better,,,so if u have any critiques go ahead n shove them up my ass!! and im a little bitch for metaphors so deal with me

In that moment, the vast sea of thoughts in Renjun’s mind dragged all his attention to it, detaching him from the reality on his surroundings, bringing all his senses to the disturbed waves awakened by a unpredicted storm. He used to float on the waters, with the cold sea calmly hitting his body; there used to be no sun to kiss his cheeks, but now his sensible eyes watched it shining above him, bringing the warm raindrops alongside the sunlight. And, even though the sun rays saved him from freezing to death, he wasn’t exactly comfortable with the heat touching his skin. His body became familiar with the cold embrace, and now, experiencing warmth for the first time, it annoyed him. The smile that could be as shiny as the sun refused to leave his mind, and he surely wasn't happy about it. Renjun would, without a shadow of doubt, prefer to have his mind bothered by his worries about his soulmark rather than by a unknown, tall boy with dyed hair, because at least he was used with the cold wave hitting his heart; something he brought with him since his childhood, unlike the sun the clouds dared to hide  _ until now.  _

Why would he be  _ so _ focused on  _ him?  _ On an unplanned meeting that happened  _ two months ago? _ Not even when he met Donghyuck he spent so much time thinking about him — and he had, for sure, spent a lot of time thinking about the younger and the rock he had thrown at Renjun’s head. The stranger did nothing but  _ smile _ at him and yet his mind wouldn't give up on picturing his expression of bliss; his slightly faded pink hair which soon would turn into a peachy orange; his hands stained with yellow paint; his chapped lips that now, popping on Renjun’s mind, annoyed him.

It was the chapped lips. For sure, that was it. The lips that needed care annoyed him, that's the only thing capable of giving a reason why he would focus on this specific aspect of his face. Lips whose owner wouldn’t leave Renjun’s mind, not even when he struggled to focus on playing the Elvis’ song for the nth time while singing the memorized lyrics under his breath, trying to make his words sound lovable, when he didn't know what love is; trying to make people feel the butterflies fluttering their wings in their stomach, when he hadn't any to give. 

Music is all about what you make people feel when listening to the melody, and recreating said feeling is hard, especially when its sensation is unknown to the musician, something he never felt before. 

Something he would never feel.

_ Love. _

Such simple feeling Renjun would never have the pleasure of experiencing. He would never have the chance to annoy Donghyuck constantly talking about the girl he had fallen for, just like the younger used to do; would never listen to some song solely because the chords makes him think of the smile that make his heart beat faster; would never have a girlfriend to introduce to his parents. Soon every member of the club would be dating, except for him. Except for the loner, the freak, the  _ unlovable _ .

He could’ve asked Chenle to switch places with him, because the sadness that filled his chest every time he tried to sing about  _ falling in love  _ wasn't worth it, but time already flew, and there was nothing he could do; it was useless to think about giving up, useless to think about picking a new song, useless to think about finding love. Besides, Chenle wouldn't accept, it would be a hopeless attempt — as hopeless as him, person whose frustrations weren't allowing him to do something as simple as singing a song. And said frustrations wouldn't fade so easily, especially considering that, among all the members, the only one struggling with his assigned song was him, even though the first song they’ve had chosen is the one he desired to sing.

Renjun felt truly useless after realizing the situation he found himself in. Still, he wouldn't give up on trying to do something he felt like it was almost impossible, because he was the one who, by free will, asked to sing  _ Can’t Help Falling In Love _ , knowing full well the struggle he would went through. And even though his fingertips hurt, even though blisters formed from excessive strumming, he insisted to keep going; keep singing the same lyrics countless times, when the only thing he got wrong were the feelings being transmitted by the sweet words from the song: pain; anguish; anger; frustration; anything but the correct one, love. 

The practice room got slightly quieter, allowing Renjun’s sad thoughts to vanish from his mind, so he could switch his attention to the notes being played on the black instrument and on his voice following the tempo. For a brief moment, Renjun felt the words being sung by him exhaled the correct feeling, or something close to the goal, similar enough to make people feel good, not pity about the loner boy singing a love song, but Donghyuck’s voice interrupted his inner satisfaction. 

“Hey, dumbass.” He felt something light hitting his head — a paper ball, which Donghyuck has thrown. Renjun grumbled for being interrupted while the other carelessly rocked the wooden chair, resting his feet on the closest desk. “We gotta pick a new song.”

“Why?” He frowned, not being able to think of a proper reason that explained  _ why _ they decided to pick another song out of the blue, when the five they needed were already chosen. 

“Someone joined the club.” Mark strummed his guitar after saying it, not bothering to make the notes sound good, just doing it for fun —  _ or to wash away the stress he felt due the close deadline. _

_ “What?”  _ His eyes got wider, shooting a puzzled look to their president. “When?”

“Five minutes ago, approximately.” Donghyuck chuckled, taking his feet off the desk when noticing Mark’s disapproving look. “Weren't you listening, dummy?”

Renjun, out of nervousness and confusion, quickly scanned the room, not taking long to find the  _ new member _ standing right next to Mark. Even though the pink locks weren’t there anymore, he recognized the tall boy hesitantly waving at him, smiling, yet avoiding eye contact as if his life depended on it. Not the same smile as last month — that Renjun’s mind insisted on memorize just to constantly remind him about it when he dared to space out —, but a shy one, that yet had the same effect over him; that made his mind, once again, go completely blank; that made the time slow down; that made his frustrations get bigger over the unknown sensation filling his body. _ Everything  _ that had been invading his mind in the past two months simply appeared right in front of him, not even giving him time to prepare for the cold breeze scratching his cheeks when clouds covered the sunlight. His hands, still stained with paint — not yellow, but red —, bothered him. His faded pink hair, which now orange caught his eyes more than any other color, bothered him. His shy smile bothered him. His long eyelashes bothered him. The pink shirt stained with white paint bothered him. His bitten nails bothered him. 

And, of course, the chapped lips bothered him  _ the most _ . 

 

-

 

Even though he found his life in a massive mess, he managed to feel comfortable at Donghyuck’s apartment, especially when the younger’s parents weren't there, because that's when they had the chance to do anything they want. They wouldn't throw a party or do anything nasty, of course, but would enjoy their time by doing the things they love the most, which was  _ anything  _ related to music  — since Donghyuck’s parent didn't like their son’s hobby —, especially singing. Well, at least Donghyuck would, because Renjun’s throat hurt from singing in excess, so he just listened to his friend putting his whole heart on the lyrics of  _ Yellow, _ strumming the guitar in a random pace — because he didn’t know the correct chords —, with the guilty filling his chest from being envious of Donghyuck’s ability of transmitting love through a melody.

Renjun knew it wasn't right to feel like that because of his friend’s talent, but he couldn’t help but get jealous when seeing Donghyuck effortlessly doing something he had been struggling with for the past months. He could make  _ Renjun  _ feel loved when singing it, even though the boy hadn't meet his soulmate yet; even though his voice cracked, even though he messed up the lyrics. It annoyed him, and, for sure, the repetitive noise coming from the foot tapping on the ground wasn't a tempo for the song.

“You alright?” Renjun, making Donghyuck stop his singing, questioned him in an almost whispering voice, treating his friend just like a kitten that even the tiniest things could scare. 

“Uh?” It took a few seconds for him to respond, but when he did, proceeded to hug his left knee. “Yeah, yeah. Sure.” The younger stared at the carpet, letting an awkward silence fill the room that once echoed a sweet, melodic voice singing about love. “Of course I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be? You kn-” 

“You’re messing up the lyrics,” The older stated, making Donghyuck bit his lips when he heard those words, widening his eyes. “and your voice is cracking. A lot. Wanna take a break?”

He chuckled in an attempt to wash the tense atmosphere away, sounding more like a maniac laugh than a friendly one. “Nah, I’m fine.” He carefully picked the words being used — words that even a little kid could utter. Donghyuck blinked a few times, looking at Renjun just to look away right after, sighing. “Alright, alright, gotta tell you something, but I’m gonna break your guitar if you get mad at me!”

“Won't promise anything.” Renjun smirked, because he knew his friend wanted to tell him something.

The younger straightened his position to take a proper deep breath, trying to ease the tension on his face, only managing to get it worse. “Fine, fine. That’s fine, completely fine. It's fine.”

Clearly, it wasn’t.

“Ar-”

“My soulmark.” He shot, glancing at Renjun, then looking at the carpet again. “It's here and… it revealed itself not today, but, like, uh...”

“Why would I get ma-”

“It revealed last year, remember?” His voice reached a higher pitch, similar to the ones he reach when he sings, words carrying insecurity as their baggage. _“No, your fucking idiot, he doesn’t!”_ Donghyuck whispered to himself, closing his eyes and taking another deep breath, keeping them closed for a flying moment. “Alright. It revealed itself last year, uh, around the time we… we created the club.” His hands were signing nothing specific in a darting way, and his eyes refused to met with Renjun’s, finding the blue striped wall way more interesting than the curious _(furious)_ look examining _(judging)_ him. “Like, a week later, I think. When we got… when people… when the first members joined, remember? A week after we created the club.“

“What... And why didn't you tell me?!” He widened his eyes in disbelief, strumming his guitar in a quick, uncoordinated pace, that would sound unpleasing even to the most untrained listeners. 

“I couldn’t help but- but felt scared because I didn’t want to m-make you feel bad!” 

“And you thought it would be better to keep it as a secret during a  _ whole year?!” _ He huffed, torturing his blisters by pressing the strings until they became soundless, thing that didn’t stop him from strumming out of anger. 

“Yes- No! No, no! No! That’s- that’s not it! Goddamn. Shit! I just-” His fingers ran through his caramel locks in a frustrated way, almost pulling them out in the process. “I just I didn't want to hurt you!” Under normal circumstances, Renjun would feel guilty for making his friend cry, especially considering that Donghyuck hardly cried, but the only thing he felt when seeing the loner tear making a wet path through the sun kissed skin was pure anger, even though his heart felt otherwise.

“Then you fucking failed! Because I’m even more hurt! Because now I  _ know _ that all the times I ranted to you about  _ my  _ ‘soulmark’ you had the guts of agreeing! As if your soulmark wasn’t there listening to every fucking thing I said! Pretending to suffer just like me!” He could feel the lump in his throat begging to let the tears roll down his cheeks, but he wouldn't allow it. Not in that moment, not there,  _ not with him.  _

“I know! But, like, Renjunnie, like… You know! _Shit!”_ He let out a loud whine, gathering strength to directly look at Renjun’s eyes — thing he _surely_ regretted doing. “I… I know you would get hurt! And I- I just wanted to…” More tears streamed down his face, and a pair of hands wiped away in an useless attempt to stop the waterfall, making his state even more _pitiful._

“To what, Donghyuck? What did you want to do? What the  _ fuck  _ did you want to do, huh? Answer me.” He took a shaky, deep breath after harshly shooting those words, clenching on his guitar, hurting his hands with the strings, making his fingers hurt even more, but not caring enough to stop putting strength, because the anger he felt was bigger than anything — even bigger than the painful void inside his heart that followed him alongside the mark on his hand.

“I know how you feel- your insecurities about your mark! And…I just… I thought about keeping it as a s-secret would be better….”

“For what?!” Renjun got up, resting a hand on his waist while the other’s grip hardened, holding the guitar’s arm. Donghyuck didn’t dare to look up, keeping his eyes focusing on each stain on the white carpet next to his bed, cringing even more. 

“I was waiting- I wanted to find… out… who’s my soulmate b-before telling you and I… I thought… I thought you would get- get sad if… if I told you before discovering it becau-” At this point, his voice sounded more like an uncertain mumble than an affirmation; not sounding like a clear explanation about the reasons behind his  _ decision.  _

_So he met his soulmate._ His urge to cry got even bigger after realizing this, the tears already trying to escape, eyes shining as bright as Donghyuck’s teary ones. “ _Yes,_ I would, and I am. But I’m also fucking mad that you thought that keeping this as a secret was better than telling me right away _as you fucking promised!”_ He hissed, almost stabbing the other with his pointed finger.

“But it revealed itself a week after we created the club and- and I would talk ab- about it the whole time… and… and at that time you were really- really sad about… about you thing alrea-”

“My thing?  _ My thing?!” _

“Your mark!” He looked up, and Renjun could feel his chest getting heavier by the guilty filling it drop by drop as he saw countless tears wetting Donghyuck’s face; lips pressed so tightly that it looked as white as his knuckles holding the guitar.  _ “Your fucking hellish mark  _ that you don’t shut up about...” He screamed, slowly toning down his voice, reaching a point where it could be easily mistaken by muttered words instead of an actual speech, looking away from the cold stare. 

“So that’s my  _ thing?”  _ He snorted, rolling his eyes “So  _ irrelevant _ and  _ weird _ that you can’t even call it a soulmark?!” The anger flowing through his veins, spitting the words on Donghyuck’s face while chuckling out of nervousness. 

“I d-didn't say that! Please list-” Donghyuck got up, trying to get close to his friend, who simply backed down, not caring enough to mask the judgmental look when staring at him.

“And you say  _ this _ knowing that I’m completely insecure with  _ my thing _ already?”

“Renju- Please! I'm s-” One step closer, still not enough though, because Renjun wouldn't stop slowly moving backwards, away from his  _ friend. _

“I can’t even measure how disappointed I’m feeling.” He gave him a black look, sighing, easing his tight grip as he looked away.

“I-Injunnie, please! I’m sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought it was the best- I thought you wouldn’t get this mad if I explained… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please, please, I’m so- so sorr-” 

Renjun grabbed his backpack, getting out of the bedroom with Donghyuck in a pitiful state following him, trying to stop the older from leaving the apartment, stumbling on his own feet. The wonky, carefree steps, desperate to reach his friend, were enough to grab Renjun’s arm, making him coldly stare at Donghyuck’s eyes when feeling the warm,  _ unwanted  _ touch on his skin. 

“Please… I’m so sor-“

_ “You aren't.” _

He left Donghyuck’s tears behind the shut door, and, as soon as the echoes of the impact of the wooden door violently closing filled the hall, Renjun allowed his own tears to roll down his face when running down the stairs. He felt angry, disappointed,  _ curious, _ but the guilty didn’t fail on consuming his heart, burning everything down, using the unstoppable tears of both of them as a fuel; a guilty feeling following him just to remind the anger that made him impulsively hurt his friend when he was in such weak state; nervous, anxious; expecting a warm embrace but only receiving a cold, hurtful punch hitting his open heart by an envious person whose biggest dream carried in his heart is to have someone to love him. Lee Donghyuck carried all the things Renjun wished he also had with him. Lots of friends, effortless talent, enormous beauty,  _ a normal soulmark. _

That night, he walked home by himself. 

 

-

 

Renjun  _ really _ didn't want to go to their daily club meeting, because he would be, surely, completely useless with his fingertips covered by blisters that were bleeding the night before — because, after the  _ Donghyuck occurrence,  _ he insisted on playing the guitar to calm down, which wasn’t a good idea. But, according to Mark, he had to be there. He didn't bother on explaining the reason why though.

First thing he noticed when stepped in the practice room was his  _ best friend _ and his pair of swollen eyes blankly staring at the ground, with their president sitting next to him, playing the familiar melody of the song Donghyuck was singing the night before, and Jeno, not really doing anything besides touching the younger’s shoulder in an attempt Renjun presumed to be to pass a sense of comfort — which was weird, seeing that they weren’t friends, or at least he thought so. Maybe the soulmark wasn’t the only secret being kept hidden.

The reason why Mark requested his presence on the club? To teach the newest kid how to play the guitar, even though they had only one month left before the event. But when seeing his fingers covered by band-aids, Mark apologized to Renjun for the burden.

There was other ways of playing the guitar, but maybe the blisters ached too much to hold a simple guitar pick, or maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want to spend time alone with the person whose smile made his mind slowly became addicted with such splendid sight. 

Still, he probably just didn’t want to stare at the chapped lips for more than one second.  _ Probably.  _ But that,  _ unfortunately,  _ didn’t stop him from staring at the  _ pink boy _ when his melodic voice filled the room. He felt like a warm breeze blown everything else away, except for the sweet voice echoing in the void — not a monochromatic one, but colorful. Because, just as the unrequited sun showed him a sense of warmth, the red birds that now invaded his not-so-cold sea brought color with their chorus; birds that left a path of feathers behind; birds singing singular melodies that, for sure, Renjun never had the pleasure of listening  _ until now.  _ He never heard the song that was being sung, but it sent shivers down his spine, and he suddenly understood what Donghyuck meant when he described the sensation that filled his chest when he listened to Michael Jackson for the first time.

It ended as suddenly as it started, and Renjun didn’t know what happened, much less if he liked the new sensations. The only thing he knew was that the birds were gone, and he wanted to teach the new kid how to play the guitar.

Because, maybe, he would have the chance of hearing the birds’ chant again.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont hate renjun TT the boys has his reasons  
> and the next update will probably take a while to be up, because im struggling A Lot with this fic;;


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